


I'll Have Your Back

by AnxiouslyGoing



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy days, Autistic Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Hints at ableism and abuse, Jim being a good friend, angst with a side of fluff, anxiety attack, first year, tentative friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 20:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21398002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiouslyGoing/pseuds/AnxiouslyGoing
Summary: Jim has already pegged Bones as a fellow abuse survivor, he knows how triggers work, he knows how to spot anxiety attacks from those triggers because he's lived with them almost his whole life. But he still finds himself a little lost on how to help his friend when Bones is faced with an anxiety attack of his own. He does the only thing he knows for sure to do, he listens.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 75





	I'll Have Your Back

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to BeautyGraceOuterSpace for reviewing this for me, you're an absolute gem!

"Don't stop on my account," Jim's teasing tone faltered at the look on Bones's face. It was one of those looks that Jim could easily recognize because of how often he'd worn it himself. The look of a child waiting for reprimand, waiting to have some precious thing torn away from him as punishment. 

"Bones, you ok?" Jim took a step forward. Leonard matched it with a backward step and pulled the violin closer to his body. "I didn't mean to startle you," Jim tried a different approach and Leonard seemed to snap out of some dazed trance. 

"I didn't hear you come in." Len replied, unsure why his heart was suddenly trying to jackhammer open his chest. Sure, Jim had snuck up on him, but it wasn't like he was doing anything wrong. Why he suddenly felt like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar was beyond him.

Jim nodded. "I didn't know you played. It sounded amazing." 

Leonard shook his head. "I don't. I haven't in a long time." 

"It didn't sound like it." 

For a painful moment there was silence, each of the men trying to gauge the other. Trying to decide the next course of action. Leonard looking for an escape, Jim trying to figure out why Bones was suddenly acting like a caged animal and how to talk him down. 

"I- I need to get this back," Leonard stammered and made quick work of putting the instrument away. "Maybe I'll meet you in the mess hall, ok?" He bee lined for the door. Jim stepped in his way. Leonard seemed to deflate inwardly. "I need to get this back before the rental place closes," he said quietly, not able to so much as look at Jim's temple. The case seemed to vibrate in Len's hands.

"You need to take a deep breath, ok? Take a breath for me, Bones. There ya go. Easy, Bones, easy. It's just an anxiety attack, that's all, alright? Let's sit for a minute, alright?" For a moment Jim wasn't sure Leonard would go along with him, after all this wasn't their normal roles. It wasn't like it was the first time Len had ever had an attack- he was almost as bad as Jim was on that front,  _ almo _ st -but it was the first time Jim had called him out on it so bluntly, the first time Len didn't seem to recognize what was going on within his body, the first time it couldn't be directly traced back to classes. 

Len nodded and sat on the end of one of the beds, the violin tucked upright carefully between his feet, both hands holding onto the top of it. 

"Look, Bones," Jim started. "I don't know what this is about, I don't know if I just startled you  _ that  _ badly, or...I don't know. But I do know that you can play  _ beautifully.  _ And I think that if it's something that you like that you should keep it up. Maybe this isn't at all helpful, but no one's going to take it away from you. Ok? If you want to play again, no one's gonna stop you. If you feel like you need lessons, take lessons. It's ok, it's ok here, Bones." 

Leonard shook his head. "I just wanted to see if I remembered how to play. I don't- I don't really have time for it. I shouldn've even bothered-" 

"Easy, pal," Jim rested a hand between Len's shoulders and ran the heel of his hand back and forth. "Take a deep breath for me. Tell me about it. Tell me why you stopped." 

"I was going to med school. I didn't have time." The answer seemed empty and robotic. An easy excuse. 

"Why else?" Jim pushed. 

"I wasn't good enough. I couldn't do it right." 

"What do you mean? You were amazing a few minutes ago."

Leonard shook his head. "I started because a friend didn't want to play. He showed me how to play and I'd pretend to be him practicing. One day his mother found out, then mine found out, and she tried using it to get me away from medicine. Made me do concerts, competitions…" he shrugged half heartedly. "She expected me to play like everyone else, everyone who had more experience than I did, everyone who could play without rocking to the music, everyone who could play without being bothered by the stage lights. But I couldn't. After a while...she was just disappointed in me. Because I wasn't the child prodigy she hoped for, because that was supposed to be the one redeeming quality of autism. That one thing that was supposed to be effortless, and she thought it would be the violin, and when it wasn't… she was just so disappointed in me I couldn't play anymore. I tried practicing for a while, but she wouldn't even listen to that. So I just gave up. I tried picking it up at Ole Miss, but Jocelyn said there wasn't a point to it if I was going into medicine. She didn't think it would be good to have such a big distraction."

Jim let out a sigh. "I'm sorry that happened. But the thing is...you don't need anyone's approval here. If this is something you wanna do, then do it. You need something to help you destress, and if this is it then go for it, Bones. So what if you're not a prodigy. If you love it, that's all that matters. Play for yourself. You don't need anyone's permission or approval or anything else. For what it's worth, I think you sound great, and I'm happy to support you if you wanna try it out. I'd be happy to listen to you practice, if you wanna try a concert again I will be in the front row for you figuratively cheering you on because I don't think they like actually cheering in music halls," Jim chuckled. It even got a small smile out of Len. "You are  _ good _ , and I don't think you should give it up." 

"Thanks, Jim." 

"I mean it, Bones. I'm not just saying it." 

Len nodded. "I know." He took a deep breath, still feeling nervous and unsure. "I wanna play," he said, pulling the violin a little closer to his body, sounding like he was still seeking permission.

"Then go for it, Bones. I'll have your back." 


End file.
